Adjusting my mind to the American way of life

There are so many more stories in the world than mine, so with this post, I am starting my project of sharing stories of other trailing spouses.  I hope to explore a wide variety of experiences over the next weeks and months- from men, women, partners of diplomats, partners of people who work with for-profit and non-profit and faith-based organizations, people who have relocated with children and without, to new homes around the world.  

My friend and neighbor Andrea is a talented artist and devoted mother of two small boys. Before she had children, Andrea worked as a graphic designer for a busy advertising agency in Sao Paulo, Brazil, where she describes the work culture as so “insane” that “parents don’t see their kids."  She had difficulty getting pregnant while she worked long hours and completed a Masters degree at night.  After she gave birth, her colleagues expected her to return to perform at the same “workaholic” level as before, but she made the difficult choice to leave the agency and focus on taking care of her baby. Since then she has worked part-time and free-lanced and had a second son.  

Andrea moved to San Francisco in the spring of 2011 for her husband’s job and has not worked beyond taking care of her family, except for occasional free-lancing from home, since they have been here.  She had come to the United States on vacation before and was fully in favor of the move, but has found it much more difficult than she expected to settle in, make friends, be a housewife.  Her efforts to balance her needs to create art and be independent with her kids’ needs for loving parenting, social opportunities, and good food have struck a chord with me. 

We hear so much about work-life balance these days but calling it work-life is so simplistic- the work piece can be about work at a site away from home but also could include working from a home office or studio, or classes we take to help us work at a higher level.  The life piece encompasses multiple dimensions of home, recreation, and children.  Since she arrived in San Francisco, Andrea has been struggling with nearly all of these factors with the added difficulty of doing it in a foreign country.

She loves the city, its beauty and safety and outdoor recreation possibilities.  “There are so many things to do with kids!”  Classes in the extension program of the California College of the Arts have been a lifeline, giving Andrea energy and time away from her home and family to discuss things with adults and exercise her artistic skills.

At the same time, it was a shock from the very first.  Even what seem like simple things are perplexing when you are new in a country- “When I first got here I never knew which vegetables to buy to do a soup.  The taste of the parsnip, the zucchini is different.”  Brands are different also: which cleaning product, which shampoo should she choose from the many options on the store shelves?  

Suddenly she had to cook for and clean up after the whole family on her own.  “In the beginning it was very tough. I came over here with my Brazilian thoughts and I had to adjust my mind to the American way of life: do it yourself.” She found a woman to help with the cleaning but she only comes twice a week, not full-time like in Brazil. “I hate cooking every day.  I never in my life thought I would miss it, but I miss the maid, I miss the nanny, even more than my family and friends.”  

Many of Andrea’s friends are fellow expats, mostly Brazilian, but other nationalities too. “I was expecting to make more friends, to be less alone.”  It’s been hard making friends with American parents at her son’s school. “I always ask people to come here to play and I never got one invitation for a play-date! Most of the time I try to think it’s a cultural thing.” She tries to excuse them but can’t help but feel like some are shallow and insincere.  

Andrea and her family are preparing to move back to Sao Paulo in a few weeks.  Her feelings are bittersweet.  “I would love to have the mindset to stay here but I don’t.  Why stay if it’s not so good for the parents- it’s good for the kids but I need to think about everybody.  I want my kids to look at me and see me happy and productive.  I feel guilty to not be.”

For all that it has been an exhausting and difficult experience to adjust to life in San Francisco, she has a great appreciation for her experiences here and the freedom she has felt.  I asked her if she would move abroad again for her husband’s work- her answer: “totally!”  

Thank you Andrea for being a wonderful welcoming neighbor and friend during the short time we have known each other, and for being being such a strong and graceful example of how to manage the complexities of life as a trailing spouse.  My youngest daughter and I will miss you and your family very much and we wish you well on your return to Brazil.