Celebrating 40

I just turned forty.  Last year I went for a 39km hike through the Marin Headlands, north of San Francisco, to celebrate my 39 years.  By the time I got home I'd decided that I might be brave enough to do 40 miles this year and had already started imagining a route.  And then Qatar happened.  I tried, in vain, to find 40 miles or even kilometers that I would want to cover in Qatar.  I looked into doing it on a camel but the price made it impossible.  I tried and failed to think of some one thing I would want to do here that would be fitting to celebrate my birthday, an event that is (though it shouldn't be)  fraught.  I felt so frustrated to be squandering an opportunity to both celebrate and distract me from the so-called significance of forty, which has something to do with mid-life and all I should have accomplished by now and things on which I have now missed out forever. 

Finally, with days to spare, I realized that arranging one monumental, acceptably celebratory event was not just impossible but also not really necessary, that it might be just as good to try to find 40 small ones.  I started a list as I cooked dinner one night and easily made it to 30 before deciding to leave 10 that would surely appear as surprises.  

I celebrated with these forty small pleasures over two days, some with a friend, some with family, and some on my own.  I didn't get to the whole list exactly as I'd expected but I surely had at least 40, many of which could only have occurred in this land where I'm starting to feel more and more at home.  Here they are, in loosely chronological order:

1. Mini road trip to singing sands and beach with a good friend, many laughs at ourselves and at the world, the expedition also included

2.this dune,

 3. and when I went leaping down it,

4. also this beetle,

5. and these lizard tracks.

6. We spotted a large herd of large goats by a busy road, moving with purpose, as we drove by on our way

7. to a perfect picnic on the beach.

8. If I counted all the shades of blue between this beach and that sky I would use up most of my 40 at once...

9. We were thigh-deep in the Arabian Sea, checking out this rubbery thing,

10. while a silvery school of needle-sized fish was deftly avoiding our giant scary selves. 

11. Zooming on scooters through early bright full-of-promise morning to the mall with my son,

12. and then that moment when the scooter passed from the rattly bricks to the silent glassy mall floor and we kept on going(on alert for those killjoy security guards).


13. We helped the moon whistle Happy Birthday to me under the echo-y dome at the mall

14. and then shared donuts,

15. before scooting FAST down ramps by the aquatic center (no guards here either).

16. What could be sweeter than these two camels? I cannot imagine.

17. I lingered through the entire Mona Hatoum exhibition at Mathaf Arab Museum of Modern Art. (http://www.mathaf.org.qa/en/exhibitions-list/170-mona-hatoum-turbulence)

18. in particular the pieces in the first room, entitled Daybed, Paravent, and La Grande Broyeuse:

19. also this one,  + and -,  (though it's better you go see the whole show for yourself):

20. Snack at the MIA cafe, with the blue water and view of the West Bay skyline just on the other side of the window.

21. Lesson planning.  Really? Yes. A,  I had that view (#20) and B, planning a lesson that includes Maiasaura Peeblesorum and cowboy poetry was SO fun.

22. Roundabouts.  Really?  Yes.  Nothing like feeling like you've mastered something you were previously scared of.

23. I do love a harbor view.

24. This horse moment:

25. and the Ugandan security guard who commiserated when the horse across the aisle tried to chomp me but insisted I get a picture with the friendly one.

26. This view of a demolition site- sad and exciting- so precarious, so final.

27. This storefront, especially the loofahs and the dried chickpeas (with their little faces) and the toilet plungers:

28. More camels, willing to disturb their siesta only enough to briefly turn their heads and bat their eyes at me.

29. Comforting a sad puppy at the animal souq,

30. and minutes later watching a man carrying an aquarium with a bag of goldfish inside, trailed by a woman and then three little girls, and knowing how important and draining that expedition was.

31. This card,

32. this card,

33. this card,

34. and this card.

35. That for lunch there were so many delicious things on the menu that I didn't have to choose this- and probably never will:

36. Abundant love and good wishes from new and old friends around the world, via Facebook.

37. Mango juice on the bottom, Avocado on the top:

38. Driving up over the curb to get around a confused car, Doha-style.

39. Korean food.

40. Closing the day by sharing cake with my kids, my husband, and my parents, who had only arrived the night before, and without whom I would not have 40 years to celebrate.

baggage worth carrying

This moving thing may be a great source for learning about ourselves and our relationships, but it's so exhausting that all those lessons are not available immediately.  This time around, the ones I’m aware of so far are about the kids (future post on that, probably) and what I need to keep hold on even while I’m delighting in ridding myself of my possessions.

Lately I’ve been talking about how getting rid of my belongings is dangerously wonderful.  We’re moving to a furnished residence and deliberately aren't keeping much storage in the US, so we’re disposing of as many of our possessions as we can.  Books that have trailed us around the world for a decade and furniture passed down from family are being given away.  It’s such a freeing feeling that I’m nearly tempted to extend that into every aspect of my life- just be in the moment for everything, don't let possessions and attachments drag me down! There are exceptions- the kids are stuck with me until they head out into their own explorations of the world.  Certain documents- titles, deeds, birth certificates, etc- are safely encased in plastic folders and will be closely guarded.  Instruments, art, kids' books, costumes and camping equipment are all being shipped or stored.    

This time, for the first time, I've even considered stopping trailing.  We discussed the possibility of him heading off solo and me staying in the US with the kids.  In this post I worked on convincing myself that going together as a family to Doha was the right thing.  I still know that it is, but I needed something more to remind me why I wanted to keep trailing.   The word "trailing" itself sounds so passive and the hardest times to feel positive about it are when I've gotten caught up in thinking that's true, that he's forging ahead working long hours while we just dangle off him ending up any old where.  I've asked myself if cutting that rope would be the best way to take an active role in my life.

Trailing spousehood, for me, requires that I occasionally check with myself to see if this is still the path I want.  I’m not just along for the ride, just to see new places and have domestic staff. I truly would rather explore the world with my family, but marriage is hard enough even when you're not picking up and moving to an entirely other country every few years. On many of the moves my husband either goes ahead or stays on longer and I end up being responsible for making the transition with the kids on my own.  It can take a year of living in a new place before our experiences of it begin to match up.  He adjusts to his office and is oriented by his colleagues, both local and international.  I navigate the neighborhood, school, market, meet expats on the street and get my first orientation from our housekeeper and parents at the schoolbus stop.  He learns the streets near the office but can still get lost in our own neighborhood for months after we move.

Despite my zeal for lightening our load, some pictures and papers still manage to follow me around the world- there’s always one last bin or three that I am too packing-weary to go through before handing over to the shippers or stowing in the storage unit.  This time while we were sorting through a few of these,  I found photos from the year he lived in Liberia and I lived in Northern Ireland, before moving together to Kosovo.  He found old letters I had written, and journals, including the one from when I came to visit him in Liberia. It had a picture taped in that I had drawn of a pangolin I had seen on a walk outside the town where he was working. He came downstairs from sorting through his chest of old papers and photos and said, “I’m smitten with you all over again.” And just like that, so was I, with him.  

It was perfect timing for a reminder of our relationship before we had kids and I became a “trailing spouse,” how hard we worked to stay in touch via e-mail, satellite phones, and occasional meet-ups in Paris, Spain, Liberia and Vermont before we started living together.  Since then we've been a good team through a handful of countries and three states, three children, two layoffs and many camping trips. When he's far away we do our best to talk nightly.  I trust him to choose a home we will love before the kids and I even get there.  It can be easy for us to lose track of our shared history when it seems like we're always settling into a new place and having such different orientation to it.  I’m realizing that I can only continue to do this if I keep in mind the basic things we love about each other and remember why we decided to take on this lifestyle together. 

Letter from Dhaka

Monica, originally from Switzerland,  was my neighbor and one of the first friends I made in Hanoi.   She has experience moving internationally as a child with her family, and later as an adult with her husband and children.  They currently live in Bangladesh and will be moving again the new year.  I love her perspective on moving and parenting.  

On the term « trailing spouse »:

I do not consider myself as a trailing spouse and to tell you the truth I hate this expression because it makes me think that the spouse plays a passive role in this kind of life style. I see Tommi and myself as a team and we always choose what is best for both of us, career-wise, and for our children, as a family.  Because I also work in development I know that the countries that we move to are countries where I can also find a job and so I don’t see myself as somebody who had to give up my career in order to follow my husband.

On home:

For me home is where Tommi and I grew up. We are very lucky because we both come from the same city in the Italian part of Switzerland, so family reunions are simplified. We both want our children to feel that they come from Lugano and each summer I put my 6-year-old in a local summer school, so that hopefully she develops a certain memory of where she comes from and it allows her to meet children from the same region.

I have very positive memories from my childhood as a trailing kid and this is part of the reason why I also would like my children to experience this life style. Tommi, on the contrary, never moved as a child and his family has strong roots in small the city he grew up. However, he is proud to offer such an experience to his children. Both of our childhoods are full of positive aspects and so I am never 100% sure if what we are doing is right. However, I do think that this is the same for every parent no matter the life style and the only thing we can do is listen to them and be ready that one day they might want to stop roaming the world.

On moving:

I always have an equal say when we choose where to move.  At the moment I am the one taking care of the children on a day-to-day basis and Tommi is the one that has the better and more stable job. So I have more say when it comes to our children and a potential country, because I have a better picture of the day-to-day difficulties concerning our children’s lives. Tommi would never ask us to move to a country that he doesn’t consider “family-friendly,” even if it would be the perfect move for his career.

Moving brings mixed feelings of excitement but also anxiety. Before becoming a mother I never thought twice about moving. But now having three small children makes me wonder whether we are doing the right thing. Bangladesh has been their country and home for the last 4 years and I am afraid of taking them away from what they know and love. I know that they will be fine, but still I wonder. Maybe by next year, after we move to our next post, I will be able to give you a better answer!

I do not prepare much, but I do a lot of online research. My first concerns are school and house. I make sure that we have a good school for the children and if possible Tommi tries to fit in a mission before to prepare for his new assignment and also to look for a new house before we actually move. We also try not to over-plan or over-think the move and just go with the flow, because there are so many factors that we cannot influence and stressing out would just ruin everything.

The most important thing for me before we move is to prepare the children and ourselves to say goodbye. I also always try to find new employment for our house “staff”, it makes me feel better knowing that they will be alright when we leave. The rest is practicalities and once you’ve done one move I think it gets easier the next time.

The hardest part at the beginning is living in a hotel or a temporary residence, if we don’t have a home right away. Other then that I love the first weeks, because everything is new and exciting!

As soon as we arrive in a new country my priority is our house. If possible I try to move in as quick as possible and if our boxes are already there, I fix and decorate our house so that it becomes home right away.

On career:

My career at the moment is nearly non-existent! I try to do some consultancy in my field (program management and gender mainstreaming), but at the moment I prefer to be available for my children (6,3 and nearly 2).

On organizational support:

I think we have the best support from Tommi’s organization (bilateral donor) and I couldn’t ask for more. We still have to take care of ourselves (find our own house, car, schools, etc.) but they allow their new employees to take the time at the beginning to settle in and the support staff is always there to provide logistical support. I like it this way, because I like to be responsible of our move, it is part of the experience.

Advice for someone headed out for the first time:

Be open-minded. If you are not ready to adapt to a new context and a new culture, then maybe this kind of life style is not the best for you.

Meredith's story: the importance of family support

I met Meredith and her son, Adam, at a baby-group in Dhaka.  Originally from the eastern United States, she had come to Bangladesh with her husband, son, and two big dogs. She always seemed to be one of the most relaxed and friendly people around- a good match for the tensions of moving internationally with family and pets. After three years they moved back to the US, to southern California, where they live now. 

Her story is different from most of my fellow expat friends because her husband is Bangladeshi and her most immediate support network and sources of information, when she arrived in Dhaka, were her in-laws. This gave her a unique window into Bangladesh to which expats don’t usually have easy access, but also added some stress to her acclimation phase.   “They were helpful in that they already knew where the locals shopped, where you could get the best deal, also the good vs. bad restaurants to eat at.  Their presence just helped me mesh better with the local population.  It was hard in that they were very protective and would 'advise' me to not go somewhere or do similar things that other ex-pats were doing.”

My conversation with Meredith also reminded me how much one’s partner can be a very important source for connections in a new home.  My own husband, like the partners of many of my trailing spouse friends, is usually so busy with his new job during the transition time of moving that I don’t count on him to help me much at all when we arrive. It followed that my questions for trailing spouses, until now, have not included anything on how the working spouse helps support his or her partner. Meredith’s husband was very attuned to her needs as they moved and made extra efforts to help her feel settled and make connections with people in Dhaka.  “He is very cognizant of my feelings and comfort level, and really pushed hard to get our [Dhaka] apartment live-in ready.  He also was the one to reach out to the American women’s organization, and to other ex-pats, as well as Bangladeshis married to American women, and made sure I got to meet them.  He made a special effort to get us a membership to the American Club so that we would have a place to go and hang out.  Immediately after moving back to Southern California, he invited all my family out for Christmas so that I would get to see them for the holidays, since we very well couldn't fly back across the country to be with them.”

Trailing spouses must be flexible in their own careers- the work available may not relate directly to previous jobs and may not seem relevant to the job market in the next country.  In Dhaka, thanks to in-law connections, Meredith was able to find work teaching and advising on policy with the Institute of Governance Studies at BRAC University.  “Although the policy advising job in particular was very relevant at the time, bringing that experience back to the US has had little effect in helping me find a job.”

Meredith and her family are now settled into Southern California and think ahead to possible future moves, acknowledging that the next one may be harder now that her elder son is old enough to feel attached to their current home and lifestyle.  “Honestly, some days I want to move; others I want to stay put.  From October - December, all I want is to go back east and plant down some roots, because it's the holiday season.  The other nine months of the year, if someone came to me and offered a job to me or my husband overseas, I'm outta here!!!”

Meredith’s advice on preparing for a move and what information she would want to have available in those first weeks after arriving:

·   Tending to the kids' needs first is paramount: research the schools, sports leagues, anything that can get your child involved.  

·   After the move, getting the house in order is her number one priority.  "I don't like for things to stay in boxes for long because I'm ready to start settling in ASAP and I don't like that feeling of everything in chaos."

·   Moving somewhere new, she would want to know which organizations (social, athletic, academic, etc) she could join where she could meet fellow ex-pats.

·   Find out where most expat kids go to school- with the local population or international schools,

·   Find the best places for an expat (not a local) to go for groceries and other shopping.

·   After that, how do you really get to know and enjoy the local culture?