support for the trailing spouse from the company that brought us here

Just kidding.  There never has been.  My husband has worked for three different non-profits and one UN agency and not once has there been any formal effort from the HR section of the organization to put together some kind of network of spouses, buddy system, even a list of resources that might be helpful to the non-working partner.   The first two NGOs we moved with did take care of maintenance and transportation.  The UN just threw lots of money at us and left us to take care of every last detail ourselves.

Typically when we arrive in a new country and J starts his new job, he has to work longer hours in the beginning and often has to travel to familiarize himself with other project areas.  In Dhaka this meant that after two weeks in Bangladesh I was left alone for several days with a six-week-old and a two-year-old.  In San Francisco he went off to work, my GPS died and I had no idea how to even get to a grocery store.  Thank goodness for neighbors!

While I would love for an NGO to hire me to tell them how to reach out to trailing spouses and help facilitate their transition into their new home, I'm reluctant to leap in and take away someone else's privilege to learn the hard way. I know that some embassies have spousal support well organized and some corporations pay for relocation specialists to help coach families through their moves.

I'm not certain I needed any such organized hand-holding.  Sure I experienced frustration, awkwardness, loneliness and confusion. It's hard to step out those first few days and weeks, not knowing anyone and only understanding as much about local culture as your culture shock book can tell you.  You can feel isolated when you can't just go online to the local expat parent yahoogroup, send a text, or keep up with friends on facebook- hooking up to the internet, or getting access to it in your temporary lodgings can take awhile. You'll have to figure out not only where to get a SIM for your phone but how to get there.

Little by little the worst of it passes and within a couple of months you start to have a sense that you might be starting to  feel settled in this place.  There are moments along the way that make it all bearable, like signing the lease or the day your shipment arrives, but even those as small as a friendly interaction with a stranger on the street or  being understood when you use the three words you know in the local language can help.

I'm just realizing now, ten years into this trailing spouse career, that there are some benefits to being the "trailing" rather than "working" spouse.  I have spent too much time envying the ease with which my husband gets to make his transition.  He shows up at his job and is assigned a desk, a phone, an internet connection, a staff, and he usually gets some kind of official orientation. I get thrown in with little to no support or points of reference and have to try to figure it all out by myself, but I have more freedom to explore and ask questions about our new home.  My husband has structure and adults to talk to every day but he also has to work long hours in an office and focus on his job, to the exclusion of getting a sense of being settled in our neighborhood and city.