Meredith's story: the importance of family support

I met Meredith and her son, Adam, at a baby-group in Dhaka.  Originally from the eastern United States, she had come to Bangladesh with her husband, son, and two big dogs. She always seemed to be one of the most relaxed and friendly people around- a good match for the tensions of moving internationally with family and pets. After three years they moved back to the US, to southern California, where they live now. 

Her story is different from most of my fellow expat friends because her husband is Bangladeshi and her most immediate support network and sources of information, when she arrived in Dhaka, were her in-laws. This gave her a unique window into Bangladesh to which expats don’t usually have easy access, but also added some stress to her acclimation phase.   “They were helpful in that they already knew where the locals shopped, where you could get the best deal, also the good vs. bad restaurants to eat at.  Their presence just helped me mesh better with the local population.  It was hard in that they were very protective and would 'advise' me to not go somewhere or do similar things that other ex-pats were doing.”

My conversation with Meredith also reminded me how much one’s partner can be a very important source for connections in a new home.  My own husband, like the partners of many of my trailing spouse friends, is usually so busy with his new job during the transition time of moving that I don’t count on him to help me much at all when we arrive. It followed that my questions for trailing spouses, until now, have not included anything on how the working spouse helps support his or her partner. Meredith’s husband was very attuned to her needs as they moved and made extra efforts to help her feel settled and make connections with people in Dhaka.  “He is very cognizant of my feelings and comfort level, and really pushed hard to get our [Dhaka] apartment live-in ready.  He also was the one to reach out to the American women’s organization, and to other ex-pats, as well as Bangladeshis married to American women, and made sure I got to meet them.  He made a special effort to get us a membership to the American Club so that we would have a place to go and hang out.  Immediately after moving back to Southern California, he invited all my family out for Christmas so that I would get to see them for the holidays, since we very well couldn't fly back across the country to be with them.”

Trailing spouses must be flexible in their own careers- the work available may not relate directly to previous jobs and may not seem relevant to the job market in the next country.  In Dhaka, thanks to in-law connections, Meredith was able to find work teaching and advising on policy with the Institute of Governance Studies at BRAC University.  “Although the policy advising job in particular was very relevant at the time, bringing that experience back to the US has had little effect in helping me find a job.”

Meredith and her family are now settled into Southern California and think ahead to possible future moves, acknowledging that the next one may be harder now that her elder son is old enough to feel attached to their current home and lifestyle.  “Honestly, some days I want to move; others I want to stay put.  From October - December, all I want is to go back east and plant down some roots, because it's the holiday season.  The other nine months of the year, if someone came to me and offered a job to me or my husband overseas, I'm outta here!!!”

Meredith’s advice on preparing for a move and what information she would want to have available in those first weeks after arriving:

·   Tending to the kids' needs first is paramount: research the schools, sports leagues, anything that can get your child involved.  

·   After the move, getting the house in order is her number one priority.  "I don't like for things to stay in boxes for long because I'm ready to start settling in ASAP and I don't like that feeling of everything in chaos."

·   Moving somewhere new, she would want to know which organizations (social, athletic, academic, etc) she could join where she could meet fellow ex-pats.

·   Find out where most expat kids go to school- with the local population or international schools,

·   Find the best places for an expat (not a local) to go for groceries and other shopping.

·   After that, how do you really get to know and enjoy the local culture?

disorientation: questions

If it’s the rainy season here, is it spring or fall in Vermont? 

If it’s 6am in Hanoi, what time is it in Asheville?

If we don’t know how long we’re going to live here, can I take part sincerely in the passionate conversations among parents on how to get into the right elementary, middle, and high school?

Has all this moving around ruined me for being wholly in one place? I’m not sure I even want to be anyway. I think about many of my various homes in the course of any day, kind of like living in multiple worlds all at once.  The Internet and Facebook make this even easier- I have regular updates from my friends around the world, I can check on weather and news from everywhere I’ve ever lived or might be moving to in the future.  Mostly it is a good thing, I think, but at times I find myself disoriented, forgetting which season it is or what part of the school year we’re in.  Conversations with settled friends about long-term plans can be awkward.  I’m never entirely sure where we’ll be this time next year but I still need to go through the motions of making arrangements as if I will be.    

Am I more prepared to cope with unexpected drastic change than so-called “settled” people? Even the most settled-seeming lifestyle can be rocked to the core by unforeseen events and I have had some rigorous exercise in living with uncertainty and readjusting to new circumstances.  

Am I losing my perspective, living in the United States for nearly 4 years in a row now?  Sometimes I feel like life is too easy for us here- the phone almost always works, as does the electricity, the heat.  There's usually a hospital nearby, within an hour drive, no flight to another country is usually necessary to find a specialist. We bathe in water clean enough to drink.  The roads on which we drive are smooth and straight. Sure, there are pot-holes but nothing big enough to swallow a vehicle or make a 10-mile trip be exhausting from being thrown all over the car.  We have to work hard to find things to complain about but we still manage to do a lot of it, to find discomfort everywhere.  I try to remember that we have it easy, not to layer on the guilt, but to try to appreciate what we have.