Get involved! Trailing spouse advice from Mishka Cira

Mishka Cira is an experienced trailing spouse, having moved with her husband and daughters to at least four very different countries, including her home country, the United States. My very first impressions of her when we met in Hanoi, just days after she’d arrived in Vietnam, were of great vitality and great warmth. Over the next few months we became friends and have stayed in touch through subsequent moves. I have huge admiration for Mishka’s determination, organization, generosity, and heart. Here are her own words on her experience of various aspects of trailing spouse life and her valuable advice, especially for those who may be making their first international move. 

On Career:

I’ve made certain decisions based on knowing that my husband’s job would be moving us around.  I think I was preparing from shortly after we got married in 1999.  I knew we’d eventually go abroad with Dean’s career (World Bank), so I switched from non-profit management to massage therapy so that I would have a skill that could be transportable. However, I’ve also taken advantage of the ‘freedom’ of not needing to be a primary bread-winner, pursuing rewarding community service projects that had a wider community impact and developing a niche within the cancer field of massage, even though it meant working pro bono to accomplish this.  Being a trailing spouse has become part of what has defined me professionally.  I work on the ground in each country to either develop or support spouse networks for professional development and transition support.  In the case of Vietnam, I spent the first six months getting settled before developing work for myself.  Here in Nairobi, I’ve been working from the start because only now (4 months into the posting) we’ve moved into a house.  I told my contacts to give me the month of October and I would be back. They were all supportive, as I’m still on the pro bono side of things!

On choosing where we will live next:

My husband has definitely seen every move as needing full support of both of us.  I may not have a part in choosing where we move (because he has to apply for jobs in a competitive market), but I’m always an equal partner in the final decision.  We decide where to go based on quality of life as a family, professional development for Dean and potential work opportunities for me (not necessarily in that order).  Being affiliated with the World Bank will always place us in the developing world which is, quite honestly, a preference for us.  As for when to leave, with each posting we’ve wanted to stay longer.  We usually have a 3-year contract with the option to extend. He would stay longer in a posting, if the kids are settled at school and I’m developing work interests.

On transition:

I try to develop a bucket list of things to accomplish before leaving a place.  I do like to have some kind of goodbye for the kids, if not for ourselves.  I also try to engage the girls in learning about a new place so they feel a connection before arrival.  When I arrive in a new place, I try to get involved in the kids school and the World Bank spouse community immediately.  Knowing people helps so much with finding local resources, and with finding out that you aren’t the only one going through the emotional and logistical issues of moving.  Professionally, in advance of a move I reach out to my professional networks to try to make contacts in the new country and reaching out before we even move into a house gives me a positive sense of self!

World Bank has come a long way, and now almost every country office has at least an informal network of spouses to help you when you first arrive.   For the most part, I’ve set up the email networks in the countries where we’ve lived, and I did so with this recent move to Nairobi (for fully self-serving purposes!).  Each country office varies, but Nairobi happens to have a paid relocation specialist to help with incoming arrivals- having a paid position helps when you are negotiating staff contracts, selecting a house, etc.  Honestly, the on-the-ground referrals and advice from other recent arrivals are always the best.

Advice for new trailing spouses:

- Don’t be afraid to reach out to random people who you meet through school, your spouse’s work, the gym, etc.  People want to help others feel at home, especially if they love their adopted home-town

- Be proactive so you don’t fall into the ‘poor me’ mode, though be prepared that that may happen, too!

running- one of the ways Mishka stays grounded

- If there are parts of your daily/weekly routine at home that are important to you, try to find those aspects as soon as possible, to make your new home feel more like home- church, pets, running group, gym membership, etc.

- If you move to the developing world, get to know a local project/community as soon as possible.  When you are having a bad day, you’ll be able to see how minor our problems are compared to others, but also you will be able to focus on the work so you don’t get too down on yourself.

- See every opportunity as professional development – join school committees, start a spouse professional networking group, volunteer at a school/church/community project, offer workshops in your skill area – and document what you do.  My resume has an entire section on Board service/Community outreach.  Be creative in representing all aspects of what you do!