face to face after too much Facebook

Summer vacation is a week away. The kids and I will embark on a classic expat pilgrimage back to my home state to soak up as much fresh air and green as we can before we head back to Doha. We will be seeing many friends with whom nearly my only contact during the past few years has been via Facebook. When we’re far apart it’s easy to imagine that we’re all caught up with one another because we see posts and comments from some friends on a daily basis, though we haven’t had a real-life conversation in years. I had an experience a few years ago at a reunion when an old friend I hadn't seen in at least a decade said "I feel like I know exactly what you've been up to, thanks to Facebook," and suddenly I didn't know what to say to her. There was so much I hadn't shared but I didn't want to make things any more awkward by announcing that. 

I don’t know anyone who shares everything about their lives on Facebook.  Omission happens when I’m maintaining the privacy of my family and friends or because I’m too busy to share. I try to present a balanced picture in what I do share, but I know that despite all efforts my life may end up seeming more exciting and fun than it really is.  I only say this because it’s certainly the case for me- I see your adventures at the beach and festivals and mountains and exotic vacations and homey barbecues and your wacky Halloween costumes and daring sports and think wow we are so very dull.

The grass is perpetually greener on FB. 

Yes, there are exciting and fun moments for all of us but more often my days are about hauling kids to school and back, being stuck in traffic, grocery shopping, putting off laundry, dealing with whining and bickering, struggling to keep my cool.  Part of the challenge is to make those daily routines fun and exciting, more for me than the kids, so I take pictures of the surprising parts, play hooky with camels, and think of funny ways to present a situation that might not have been so amusing in the moment.  

Since it’s hard to know where to start off once we’re face to face again, I’m writing you all a letter about how I imagine I’d like it to go:

Dear friends,

I am so excited to see you!  I am so excited to hear about what you’re up to and what you’ve been doing since our paths last crossed, about your kids and adventures and ideas. 

It's been great to keep up with you via Facebook. I have loved sharing the celebration, from afar, of your birthdays and announcements of achievements, weddings, and new babies! I love how we rally round friends who have lost beloved people and pets, and support those who are struggling through challenging situations. I even love that there are a tiny handful of you whom I haven’t yet met in person, but whom I know will be great company when we do manage it (until then I think of you, fondly, as my “imaginary friends”). I would always much rather catch up with you in person than on social media but FB is far better than no contact at all.

Now, in preparation for a real-life reunion, please throw the FB-generated version of my world out a virtual window and I will do the same for you and let us all start fresh with each other. 

And when you meet my kids, especially if it’s for the first time, could you please not reference FB at all?  Instead, could you say “I heard about [whatever] from your mom” They know I share some things about them and they know I post pictures also but I want them to get a fair start, not to think of FB as defining their identity any earlier than they have to. Hopefully they won’t ever feel that way but it will be up to them, ultimately.  You could say I shouldn’t mention them on social media at all then, but they are a huge part of my life and if I'm going to share any of it I cannot not mention them at all, though more and more I ask their permission. As they get older and eventually have their own accounts I will leave it up to them to decide what to share.

I hope to be offline as much as possible this summer, in favor of tangible connection with people and our immediate environment and I am so happy that you will be part of that! I can't wait!

love, 

Maria