imaginary choices and my slippery slope

update, five weeks post-layoff:

So now the shock and anxiety about our situation have eased and my husband’s job application efforts have produced interviews for positions around the world.  Part of effectively interviewing is being convinced, and convincing others, that this will be the perfect job/person match anyone has ever imagined.   This requires us to live in multiple worlds of enthusiasm- oh sure, we’d love to have him commuting several hours every day if it meant that international work travel would be nonexistent and we could stay in this neighborhood we’ve grown to love, or yes, we’d be overjoyed to pick up and move our entire family to the Middle East /Northern Europe/a Pacific island/Washington DC and lots of work travel would be great too! 

We have to be able to imagine the possibilities at the same time that we can’t get too excited about them because they may not even happen at all.  Of course I have already broken my rule of not looking at expat reviews of a potential home city before he has a second interview.  For the first time, I'm not sure I'm ready to leave where we live.  I’d like to be able to say I can think critically and realistically about these prospective jobs and simultaneously practice graceful un-attachment.  Nope, I catch myself imagining that he'll be offered jobs in three different places and wondering how we'll pick, or whether we would choose a not quite ideal job with more pay over a perfect one that requires me to work too, to make up the difference.

Yes, I know this is his job we’re talking about, not mine.  But his excitement or concern is contagious and as his job is our anchor, it affects the rest of us entirely.   The part about me having to work is exciting and terrifying at the same time.   I never intended to be supported by someone else’s income, or not have a job relevant to my education for at least the first 12 years after grad school.  We fell into it almost accidentally- he had more experience so he has always been the one to land the job that would support us all.  With each job, his experience and skill set grow and with each year since grad school, the gap in my resume grows, too.

This would seem like a great opportunity for me to look for paying work for myself as well, but at this moment I have no idea where we'll be in six to seven months. I don't want to risk finding a job that I would have to walk away from soon after I've begun.  I feel like Scuffy the toy tugboat: "I was made for bigger things!" he keeps tooting, until the river gets too big and rough for him and he wishes he was back in his nice safe bathtub.  I've been telling myself for years that any month now I'll slide sideways into a brilliant outside-the-household job of my own, but I'm more than a little terrified at the prospect in case I just don't have it in me. Has it been too long?  I've about decided to let go of the old dreams that propelled me off to grad school, and put together new ones that fit together better with my life experience and family constraints.  Or will I have the luxury of a choice at all? The longer this unemployment thing lasts, the more likely I will have to find any job that will help us keep financially afloat.

to be continued...