On the term « trailing spouse »:
I do not consider myself as a trailing spouse and to tell
you the truth I hate this expression because it makes me think that the spouse
plays a passive role in this kind of life style. I see Tommi and myself as a
team and we always choose what is best for both of us, career-wise, and for our
children, as a family. Because I also
work in development I know that the countries that we move to are countries
where I can also find a job and so I don’t see myself as somebody who had to
give up my career in order to follow my husband.
On home:
For me home is where Tommi and I grew up. We are very lucky
because we both come from the same city in the Italian part of Switzerland, so
family reunions are simplified. We both want our children to feel that they
come from Lugano and each summer I put my 6-year-old in a local summer school,
so that hopefully she develops a certain memory of where she comes from and it
allows her to meet children from the same region.
I have very positive memories from my childhood as a
trailing kid and this is part of the reason why I also would like my children
to experience this life style. Tommi, on the contrary, never moved as a child
and his family has strong roots in small the city he grew up. However, he is
proud to offer such an experience to his children. Both of our childhoods are
full of positive aspects and so I am never 100% sure if what we are doing is
right. However, I do think that this is the same for every parent no matter the
life style and the only thing we can do is listen to them and be ready that one
day they might want to stop roaming the world.
On moving:
I always have an equal say when we choose where to move. At the moment I am the one taking care of the
children on a day-to-day basis and Tommi is the one that has the better and
more stable job. So I have more say when it comes to our children and a
potential country, because I have a better picture of the day-to-day
difficulties concerning our children’s lives. Tommi would never ask us to move
to a country that he doesn’t consider “family-friendly,” even if it would be
the perfect move for his career.
Moving brings mixed feelings of excitement but also anxiety.
Before becoming a mother I never thought twice about moving. But now having
three small children makes me wonder whether we are doing the right thing.
Bangladesh has been their country and home for the last 4 years and I am afraid
of taking them away from what they know and love. I know that they will be
fine, but still I wonder. Maybe by next year, after we move to our next post, I
will be able to give you a better answer!
I do not prepare much, but I do a lot of online research. My
first concerns are school and house. I make sure that we have a good school for
the children and if possible Tommi tries to fit in a mission before to prepare
for his new assignment and also to look for a new house before we actually
move. We also try not to over-plan or over-think the move and just go with the
flow, because there are so many factors that we cannot influence and stressing
out would just ruin everything.
The most important thing for me before we move is to prepare
the children and ourselves to say goodbye. I also always try to find new
employment for our house “staff”, it makes me feel better knowing that they
will be alright when we leave. The rest is practicalities and once you’ve done
one move I think it gets easier the next time.
The hardest part at the beginning is living in a hotel or a
temporary residence, if we don’t have a home right away. Other then that I love
the first weeks, because everything is new and exciting!
As soon as we arrive in a new country my priority is our
house. If possible I try to move in as quick as possible and if our boxes are
already there, I fix and decorate our house so that it becomes home right away.
On career:
My career at the moment is nearly non-existent! I try to do
some consultancy in my field (program management and gender mainstreaming), but
at the moment I prefer to be available for my children (6,3 and nearly 2).
On organizational
support:
I think we have the best support from Tommi’s organization
(bilateral donor) and I couldn’t ask for more. We still have to take care of
ourselves (find our own house, car, schools, etc.) but they allow their new
employees to take the time at the beginning to settle in and the support staff
is always there to provide logistical support. I like it this way, because I
like to be responsible of our move, it is part of the experience.
Advice for someone headed out for the first time:
Be open-minded. If you are not ready to adapt to a new
context and a new culture, then maybe this kind of life style is not the best
for you.
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